6 days ago5 min read

This "Gilmore Girls" Character is the Real Reason For Rory's Downfall

How generational trauma and girl-bossing led to the downfall of TVs most famous mother-daughter duo.

Gilmore Girls is a show about relationships- mothers and daughters and romantic relationships. The hit series thrived in the early 2000’s during the peak of “girlboss” culture and times when being skinny mattered more than being kind.

Instead of showing us a heart-warming show about mothers, daughters and their romantic relationships, the show depicts how generational trauma impacts our lives especially down to our relationships. To the chagrin of many millennial women who loved the show growing up, watching it now we find ourselves staring at the obvious- ultimate responsibility for her daughter’s and granddaughter’s successes and failures in their romantic relationships falls to none other than Emily Gilmore.

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!

From the beginning episode, Lorelai and her mother argue and Lorelai claims that she is independent and needs to take care of things herself. “No, mom, I’m the same as I have always been – independent and you hate that you can’t control me!”

Is Lorelai really an independent person who likes taking care of herself, or has her mother simply micromanaged every single aspect of her life as she grew up that she rebelled against that control? It is plainly a case of the latter. The episodes do not go into much detail about how it was for Lorelai being raised in the pristine house of Emily Gilmore, but you can see that its impact was so strong upon Lorelai that she states she feels more like Rory’s friend than her mother.

The series has many redeeming qualities. It’s beloved for its witty banter. It’s a pro-life success story about a single mom who chooses life and shares it with her daughter. It’s a heartwarming example of how small towns can be great supports in time of need. It is not that this generational trauma ruins the whole show, but a modern audience wants to hear what their therapists have to say! Lorelai did not have a good, healthy example of what marriage is meant to be, so she runs from it at nearly every opportunity. She dates only casually until Rory is older and makes a point not to introduce Rory to the men she is dating, which is commendable.

When Lorelai is ready and decides to become rather serious with her first fiancé, Max, they fall head over heels rather quickly. Lorelai gets cold feet and takes an impromptu road trip with Rory a few days before the wedding was supposed to take place. Rory is heartbroken, Max and Lorelai are heartbroken, and Emily is unphased. She’s clearly upset but acts as if she’s only ever expected the worst from her daughter. It just goes to show why the relationship between mother and daughter was cold; when in a particularly difficult moment of her life, Emily shows her daughter no empathy or compassion.

Again, when something similar happens almost six full seasons later, Lorelai finds herself with another broken engagement. Instead of talking through their issues and coming to a resolution like adults, Lorelai simply issues an ultimatum and then cuts Luke out of her life. This is yet another instance where Lorelai showcases the bad habits she inherited from her mother. Emily Gilmore acts unsurprised and even pleased. Instead of allowing herself to empathize with her daughter’s broken heart, she brushes it off and moves on.

Emily’s impact on Rory’s relationships is much more nuanced and subtle than the impact she had on her daughter. Rory dates, tries to find love and is a “good kid.” It’s only in a couple slips of character that we can see Emily’s influence as filtered through her daughter reveal itself through Rory’s actions. Instead of seeing marriage as an opportunity to become more selfless and find a deeper meaning in life, Lorelai’s behavior and comments over time have shown Rory that marriage is where women go to be shackled.

This view brings Rory and her first boyfriend Dean into a spat over the ideals of marriage as seen on the Donna Reed Show. Rory later takes time to learn about Donna Reed and her show, even going so far as to impersonate her for a night by making Dean a nice dinner and dressing up.

“I’m not sensitive about it; I just find it ridiculous,” Rory explains. “It’s a little over the top in the show, but the general idea of a wife cooking dinner for her husband and family—that’s nice,” Dean counters. Rory responds, “It’s the whole concept that her one point in life is to serve somebody else.” “You only hate that because your mom hates it!” Dean argues back. Rory and Dean go back to their relationship, never addressing the issue that they view marriage differently.

At first, Rory's disdain for what she believes marriage to be is just something in theory, but when she and Dean begin an affair after he gets married, Rory immediately uses the, "We're in love" trope to invalidate Dean and Lindsay's marriage in her mind. Never mind that Dean swore his life to another; that does not matter to Rory because all marriage is an agreement in which women are giving of themselves and receiving nothing in return.

If we jump forward nearly to the end of the show, Rory’s long-term boyfriend with whom she shares his apartment proposes to her at her graduation. Logan graduated a year prior, and the pair continued their relationship long distance for a year. Albeit, terrible location and timing, but Rory feels like being married to him would be limiting to her life, so she turns down his proposal. “I don’t want to do that, Rory, I don’t want to go backwards,” Logan says after she has turned him down and proposed that they continue to date long distance. “What’s the point?” he asks, and she hands him back the ring, still in its box. It is evident from his body language that he does not want to take the ring back and even hesitates before walking away and ending their long-term relationship by saying “Goodbye, Rory.”

Neither Rory nor Lorelai have been given any examples of a solid marriage in which each partner gives of themselves for the betterment of the family. Richard Gilmore certainly had his flaws, but the bulk of the manipulation in their lives was by Emily Gilmore. Her own personal traumas have played such a key role in how she raised her daughter and then interacted with her granddaughter. While each woman certainly exercises her own agency in this show, there are subtleties that have been inherited from each woman’s mother in how they view marriage and relationships.

As we enter 2025, this is optimistic news for those of us that have younger people who look up to us. No matter the example we have been given in our parents and grandparents marriages, we can take a step back and be the one to break the chains of generational trauma. We can show them how raising a family in a secure marriage can be your greatest joy in life, leading to more and continued fulfillment for the rest of our lives. It does not mean that we have to sacrifice ourselves, dreams and ambitions upon the altar of marriage and motherhood, but rather that we can allow our dreams to grow and change with our other pursuits, bringing us to become better versions of ourselves.